Furball Frankie

It is very important, as a cat, that I chooses where I sits very carefully. Cats can't just sit anywhere - we has to give it some thought... Is it draughty? Is it in a sunbeam? It it box-shaped? Is it dark and quiet? Is it made of warms? Is it comfy? My chosen spot today, is... right in the middle of the floor. This is a very clever place to sit. I can see the whole room, so I know exactly what's going on. But... more importantly... my hooman can't avoid me. In fact, there is a big chance that he'll almost trip over me. This means that I gets maximum attention. It's a very clever catty strategy. I shall now sit here all evening, occasionally meowing for no reason whatsoever.

I has found another new spot to hide in, particularly when the hooman is wandering around saying 'Frankiiiiiiiie' or trying to pick me up and cuddle me. I found it behind the soft brown chair that I like to sink my claws into. It's low down, on the ground, so no need to do big catty jumps to get into it. It's a nice box-shaped space, so I can just about squeeze my catty bum in and curl my tail round me. I like it. It's snug. I sit there and watch my hooman wander around the big, main room doing weird hooman things. When I has a hungry I leaves the little space, to demand food. When I needs attention, strokes, or scritches, I also leave there and let my hooman know. But I'm happy to stay in my new space for many hours. I has a happy there.

I has done it. I has destroyed the stoopid thing that was getting on my nerves. Whenever I has a look out of the window, I tries to see the birds, and the squirrels - then I can chatter at them, and pretend to bite them. But my hooman has this weird material thing in front of the window, which blocks my view. It gets on my nerves... so I paw and paw at it. Today it got on my nerves so much, I swiped at it... and the whole thing came down. I had to jump away from the window. But, I has a happy - the silly material thing has fallen. Now I can look out of the window properly. Ooooh! I think I just saw meeces!

I was in the hooman's food room, and I spotted something. Something exciting. My hooman has put up a thing with lots of levels to it. It's a big climbing frame! I has excitement! I sat at the bottom of it, trying to work out how I could climb, what the best approach would be, and how I could get to the top. I kept looking up at it and wondering whether to approach it from the bottom or from the top, from one of the higher surfaces in the hooman's food room. It's very nice of my hooman to get me such a large toy. I still hasn't worked out my best approach yet, as I had some important napping to do, but I shall explore further later.

Cats can't just take naps, you know. I think it's very important that hoomans understand this. Before I has nap, I has to think very carefully about where I has this nap. Is it in a sun beam? Is there a draft where I'm looking to nap? Is it comfy? Has it recently been rested on by a hooman, so is it made of warms? Is it a nice, light colour, so that I can cover it in my black fur? Does it smell good? It's a tough decision. But the most important thing before napping, is to have a pre-nap stretch. I gets to where I want to nap, walk in a circle for a bit, then do a biiiiiiiiig streeeeeeetch, pushing down my front feets and pushing my bum in the air. Then, and only then, am I ready to nap. But, you hoomans also have to understand that a post-nap stretch is just as important. When I've finished napping, I get up, arch my back, then do my biiiiiiiig streeeeeeeeetch again, to make sure I'm ready to pounce on things... or just have another nap. Stretching - it's v...

I has a frustrated. As it is getting warmer, flying things are coming into my home. It is my duty to protect my home, and my hooman, from them. One of them was floating around the main room today. It was too far above my head for me to get it. I wanted to bite it. I stared at it. Then I let out my frustrated noise: 'Ek-ek, ek-ek, ek-ek'. I moved around the room, following it. I meowed to my hooman. Could he not see how urgent the situation was? I jumped up onto the big, long chair... then onto the back of it. I swatted the wall, but was nowhere near the flying thing. I let out another 'Ek-ek, ek-ek, ek-ek'. The flying thing was mocking me. I needed some time to think of a plan. I went and ate some biscuits. Still thinking of a plan...

I has had freedom for several days, after I got that stoopid thing off my neck that my hooman had put round it (with a silly jingly jangly thing on it). I hid it away somewhere where he wouldn't find it. Or, at least, I thought I had. Today, I heard him shout 'Ah! There it is!'... then run over to me. I was having a nice nap, in a sunbeam, so didn't really know what was happening. He patted my head, then stroked my neck and back and said something about 'being a good boy'... then he sneakily put that thing back round my neck! I didn't even notice... until I got up to stretch and could hear the jingling sound again. I'm annoyed. That sound is following me everywhere. Now I'll have to find a way to get it off of me and hide it again. Idiot hooman.

I do like it when my hooman feeds me and gives me belly rubs, but he does have some very annoying habits. One of these is that, when I'm happily having sits, he'll come over to me and say, in a squeaky voice; 'Frankie, you're so cute!' That's not the bit that annoys me so much. It's the next bit. He'll then say 'nose boop'... and he'll touch my nose. Sometimes this makes me go cross-eyed. Sometimes it makes me do a catty sneeze. My little catty nose is very sensitive. It's very silly and I'd prefer it if he didn't do it. It's much better if I jump up at him and give him nose nudges. Time to go, as my front left paw urgently needs washing...

My hooman often sits in the same place, day after day after day - typing away at his compooter. I like the chair he sits in. It's comfy. He's very silly though - I think he thinks that chair is his. He's very wrong. I is a cat. I sits where I wants to sits. My hooman sometimes gets up from his chair to do something. This is when I take my chance. As he's been sitting there, on a cushion, the chair is now made of warms. I like warms. So, as soon as gets up, I trots over to the chair, hops on it, and sits. When he comes back and says 'Frankie, I got up for all of two seconds', I just do my best to look cute, and blink at him. If he tries to move me, I meow in protest - the chair is now mine. He usually then makes a huffing noise and sits somewhere else. Thanks for the warms, hooman.

I had a happy yesterday. While my hooman was out, I managed to get that stoopid thing off from round my neck that he put there. I think it's called a 'collar', as my hooman said 'where's your collar, Frankie?', when he came home. He won't find it. I has hidden it from him. And today, I was nearly free. My hooman was talking to some other hoomans, at the door to the outside. This meant the door was open a bit. My hooman wasn't paying attention, so I walked between his legs...and I was outside! Freeeeeeeedom! Then my hooman saw me, panicked, and shouted 'Frankie, you can't be outside without a collar!' I panicked too, as it's confusing outside. He came to get me, and I ran off. Then he came up to me again. I tried to run, but he grabbed me. Then he fell over, still holding me. This wasn't very comfortable, so I struggled. I ran off again. He caught up with me, lifted me off the floor, and carried me back to our home, panting. The other ...

I has decided to add another to my list of important cat jobs. I shall now protect my hooman's feets warmers. It must be hard for hoomans, with no fur on their feets, to keep them warm... so they has to wear covers on them due to that lack of fur. My hooman keeps all of his feets warmers in one place, on a long rack thingy. To protect them, I has been sitting on them - guarding them. It's strange as they smell like cheese, but I quite like cheese, so that's okay. By sitting on them, I can make sure they don't go anywhere and are there when my hooman needs them. I can also make sure they are extra warm when my hooman puts them on. When my hooman comes to see me, while I'm sitting on them, I meow at him to let him know I'm still doing my job properly. I hope he appreciates my efforts and gives me extra treats and chin scritches. I is perfoming a vital service.

I had a very difficult morning. I had a hungry, so I went to see my hooman in his napping room, to request breakfast. He was still napping though. This was not good. I needed food. I sat down in his napping room, got myself ready, and sang the song of my catty ancestors. I heard him say 'Frankie, shhhhh', but he didn't get up. Then I went to the curtains and started attacking them, but he didn't move. Next, I went into the main room and start clawing the big, long, soft chair, making lots of ripping sounds. I heard 'Stop it!' from the napping room. Still no breakfast. I went back into the hooman's napping room, jumped onto the bed, and pounced on his feets. Nothing. I walked up to his face and stuck my catty nose into it. He moved a little and said 'I'm trying to lie in, Frankie...' Then I decided to just walk over his face. He said 'For duck's sake', or something like that, sat up, and got out of the bed. He started walking towards m...

I has found out something shocking. Something deeply disturbing. I has had a proper look around my hooman's wee and poo room, including jumping on some surfaces, and what I saw has left me extremely confuzzled. My hooman wees and poos... in water! In water?? Why? What is this madness? Why doesn't he do it on something sandy, or some mud, then bury it?  Where's his pride? What kind of crazy creature poos and wees in water? And where does the wee and poo go once it's in the water? Water is for drinking - especially from puddles and bird baths. I knew hoomans were strange, but this is... my catty brain can't cope. I'll have to lie down and have a nap.  This is just too much for me...