Furball Frankie

I watch my hooman do so many things that don't make sense. Take his 'cloves', for example - that he wears over his skin. So much effort. He takes them off. He puts them on. He puts them in a basket. He takes them out of a basket. He puts them in a spinning, whooshy thing. He takes them out of a spinny, whooshy thing. He hangs them all out for ages. He brings them back inside. He puts them away again. He puts them on. It goes on and on and on. Why not just grow fur? Surely it's easier and more convenient. He can grow it on his head and face, so why not the rest of him? I think he's just not putting enough effort in.

It happens a lot - I'm peacefully napping and then I hear my hooman's heavy footsteps. I know he's coming to annoy me. He can't help it. What's he going to do though? Will he shout 'Frankiiiiiiiiiiie' and bury his face in my belly fur? Will he say 'ooojshi booojshi' and kiss me on the head? Will he boop my nose? Will he ruffle my belly fur with his hands? Will he annoyingly touch my back feets? Will he smoosh my face? I decided he was going to boop my nose, so looked to protect it. Mad hooman.  

I has been very busy. I has had a good wash. I washed my front feets. I washed my chest. I lay on the floor and washed my belly. I turned my head to the side and washed my back. I did my back feets twice, for good measure. I was all done. I was really pleased with my work. My fur was all shiny. Then my hooman ran into the room, said 'Frankiiiiiiiiiie!' in a silly, high-pitched voice, and rubbed my belly and back fur. Now I have to start all over again. Idiot.

Being a kitty is often about strategy. We has to know when to meow, when to purr, where to sit. I has found a good position today. It's hot, so I needs to cool down. But I also wants fuss. What to do? Perfect solution... Flomp down onto the cooling floor, and... Roll over to expose my belly. A little, squeaky meow, then maximum belly rubs from my hooman. The ideal spot.  

Some days are tough. Some days you just want to block out the world. Some days are for back-to-back naps. Some days all the belly rubs in the world won't do. Some days all the snacks available won't be enough. Some days your fur won't be clean no matter how many licks you give it. Some days you have to give in. Some days you have to say; 'No fanks - not today'. Today is one of those days.

There is many important parts to a cat. My eyes, triangle ears, feets, belly, and tail is all important. But possibly my most importantest part is my sensitive little catty nose. It tells me whether things are good or not - whether there's danger or foods. This is why everything that comes into my home must pass the sniff test. If it's bags, they'll get sniffed. If it's a box, it'll get sniffed. If it's foods, it'll definitely get sniffed. If it's clothes, it'll get sniffed. I has to be sure that it's safe or good before it's allowed in my home. Even my hooman gets sniffed. If he's been around other cats I walk away and show him my bum. Sniffing is an essential part of life for all kitties.

Kitties - let's admit it; it's hard to train our hoomans. Very often they don't understand the most basic of commands. How hard is it to recognise 'I has a hungry' or 'These sheets don't smell right'? But with patience, it is possible to get results. He's not quite fully there, but I'm getting my hooman to speak 'Meow'. He now understands the following: - 'More belly rubs, please - keep going' - 'I need snacks...now!' - 'My wee tray is in an unacceptable state' - 'Quick, follow me' - 'I'm napping - go away' Actually, he doesn't fully understand that last one; sometimes he still annoys me while I'm napping. It's been hard work though. I hope he continues to learn; it can only be good for both of us.

Hoomans are so weird. Well, mine is. He likes to stroke my head - I get that. He likes to give ear scritches - I get that. But he has one particular obsession. He likes to touch my nose. Why? He gives it gentle rubs, and that's okay. But he often likes to just touch it and say 'boop'. What is boop? Why does he make this sound? Why does he combine it with touching my nose? What does he mean when he says my nose is very boopable? I can't work him out sometimes.

I do like my hooman at times. From his hands come good things; petting, strokes, scritches, food, snacks, poop cleaning. ...and he does give really really good scritches. In fact, he came home yesterday and I greeted him with lots of chat about how busy my day was, then flopped onto my side. I rolled over so that my belly was on show, and got goooooooood belly rubs. I was very happy. Then he started giving face and ear scritches. I was really enjoying myself. But, as sometimes happens with us kitties, I got too excited - my little catty brain was in overdrive. So I opened my mouth and had a little nibble of his hand. It was only for a second. Then I realised what I'd done, was really sorry, and licked his hand to show I didn't mean any harm. Then I rolled over to show more of my belly. I has to remember: hooman hand is not food.

Can't a kitty get a little peace? I was looking for places to cool down. My hooman had the whirring thing on, but it wasn't enough. I found a good spot to cool my belly fluff though - on the floor of our napping quarters. But I couldn't just relax. My hooman kept coming into the room and squeaking 'You're soooooo cute, Frankie!' Then he'd stroke my back and smoosh my face...which I was too hot for. Then he'd say 'Stay there', point his phone at me, and take thousands of pictures. I know this because he showed them to me. Idiot. All I'm doing is lying down, trying to get cool. I'm not doing anything remotely interesting. I just want to be left alone to cat. I have made a note of all this. I shall present him with my bum at 4am.

I already has a hot. But my hooman has made things worse. He's put a big whirring thing in the food room. It's huge and noisy. I meowed my protests to my hooman, but he simply said; 'It's a dehoomidifier, Frankie - to get rid of the moisture from the leak' I blinked at him, but didn't know what he meant. The problem is, this big whirring thing pumps out a lot of heat too. The food room is now so hoomid. It's almost tropical. I is scared I might see a distant cousin, like a jaguar, in there. Or maybe parrots will appear. I can't jump up on the surfaces now. It's too much effort. I has moved to the big, long, soft chair, in the main room. It's got a shiny surface, so it's vaguely cool. I want this 'dehoomidifier' gone. Too much noise. Too much warms.

I has a hot. It's been a tough day. I has had to have more naps then usual and lots of drinks. I remember this from last year - I think there are more of these days ahead. The only thing to do is flomp onto a soft surface. Actually, the other thing I can do is expose my fluffy belly to the air. This cools me down. It also results in more belly rubs from my hooman. And belly rubs in the heat can actually be quite soothing. But...too many belly rubs is no good. If my hooman's hand is on my belly too long, it gets hot...then I has to bunny-kick him. It's the same when he tries to blow raspberries on my belly. I don't want hot air on me when it's already warm. If he blows raspberries, I bunny-kick his face. I just need the right balance of naps and fuss - that'll get me through the hot months.      

The things I has to go through as a cat... I likes to settle down with my hooman in our napping quarters as it gets late. Sometimes he gets into the bed and I walk around until I find a comfy spot. Other times I already has a comfy spot and he has to find a way to sleep around me. This is the way it should be; my napping spot first, hooman's napping spot second. But he can be difficult to sleep near. Firstly, he wriggles a lot. And he's very lumpy. His feets can cause problems. He's also very noisy. He opens his mouth and makes a lonnnnnnnnnng snorting sound. It's very annoying. It makes the walls rattle. I try to fold down my little catty ears to ignore it. He makes other sounds though - from his bottom. Sometimes it's a 'parp'. Other times it's a loud 'pthbthbthb' sound. And occasionally he says actual words out loud. Nothing that makes any sense - just random stuff. I don't know why he does all of this. I make no sound at all...unless he w...

I need to squash the rumours. I likes to sit in sunbeams. They're nice and they warm my fur. But...something happens when I'm sat in sunbeams. My coat may...I repeat, may...go a slightly different colour. It sometimes shows up as kind of red-ish - some would say ginger. But I want to make it absolutely clear - I'm not a ginger cat. I has more than one brain cell for a start. I am a 100% black cat. Not a Bombay, or anything fancy like that. Just a pure black standard moggy - going all the way back to my great great great great great great grandcat. This is not up for debate. I is a pure mini-panther, no matter what the sun shows.

Hoomans is sneaky. I include my own hooman in this, even though I quite like him. They can sneak up on you any time...particularly during naps, which they apparently find 'cute'. This is why it pays to use a bit of catty side eye, alongside super catty hearing, just to be sure when a hooman is coming. It's very important. Otherwise, you'll be peacefully napping when...your hooman comes along and sticks their face in your belly fur, waking you up, startled. Or they'll come along and ruffle your head and your ears, which requires catty head shakes, to sort the confusion. They may even come up and start giving you unwanted kisses on your little head. Or, worse still, they'll pick you up and kiss you all over, leaving you completely baffled. So...I always keep one eye out for my hooman. I never know when he's coming or what he's got planned.

I likes to look after my hooman. This includes full inspections of the rooms in our home from time to time. Yesterday I conducted a full inspection of his food room. The floor is a bit messy right now, but smelt okay. Sadly there were no stray scraps of food. The lower cupboards smelt okay from the outside. I meowed for access to the inside. Everything seemed in order. Bit of a musty smell. Had to lick a couple of bowls. Then I hopped up to the upper surface. It was a bit gritty under my paws - needs a wipe. Window area is a bit grubby. Faint smell of chicken but no actual chicken. Good height at which to receive ear scritches. Sink area was a bit cold underfoot. Overall, I'd give a rating of 3/5. Could do better, hooman.

All parts of me is important. But I think the most important part of me is on my face: my nose. I use it for sniffs. I sniffs furniture to make sure it has my catty scent. I sniffs doorframes for the same reason. I checks all bags that come into my home. I checks that my wee tray is clean. And I checks that all bedding has the right scent before napping on it. But... I also use my nose for all-important nose nudges. I likes to nose nudge my hooman for attention. I likes to nose nudge his hand when he's giving me good fuss. I Iikes to nose nudge his hand when he comes in and I need foods. And I likes to nose nudge him in the face, to say 'I kind of like you, hooman'. Yup - my little catty nose is essential.

I likes my hooman. I likes him quite a bit. But I has my limits. He's been around a lot over the last few days. This has meant plenty of belly rubs, ear scritches, head pats, chin tickles, and snacks. But... It's also meant lots of him running into rooms and saying 'Hiiiiiiiiii!' in a really high-pitched voice...or talking nonsense, like; 'Who's a gorgeousy worgeously schmoopie doopie floople?' On top of this, he also runs into rooms and gives me kisses on the head, before I even has time to react. And he smooshes my face between his hands. And he rubs my head so much that I has a confused and has to do a catty headshake. It's all too much. It's time for him to go back to what he was doing. It's time for him to return to 'the werk'. Then we can go back to normal amounts of fuss.

I likes to keep clean. It's important. I has dignity. I has regular washes. I usually does my body first, then my feets. I'd got to my feets earlier, and was working on my back feets. I was nearly done. Then my hooman came into the room and shouted 'Frankiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!' He ruffled my head. I stared at him. Then he started touching my feets. Why? Idiot. I gave him a bunny kick. Then I had to clean those feets all over again. So annoying.

Hooman came home yesterday, and he'd been somewhere different. I could tell. His legs were bare. He was in those short trowsers he wears when it's hot. And those legs smelt different - they smelt funny. They smelt of salt, and fish, and mud, and dirt. They smelt a bit oily too. And stuff was coming off of him. When he removed his feets covers, a fine grit fell on the floor. Then when he took off the feets covers he has underneath his main feets covers, even more grit fell out. I sniffed it. It was like the stuff in my wee tray, but thinner. My hooman saw me sniffing it and said 'That's sand, Frankie'. I blinked at him. I woke up this morning and there was even more 'sand' on the floor. It's everywhere. I don't like it. I hope my hooman gets rid of it. Weird gritty stuff.