Furball Frankie

My hooman is old. This means he forgets things. This happens to cats too. But I'm young, so it won't happen to me just yet. My hooman forgetting things can have its advantages. The main one is food-based. Sometimes, I has my dinner or breakfast. Then I wait a bit. Then I start rubbing against my hooman's legs and meowing. After that, I walk towards the food bowl. Once nearby, I flomp onto my side, tuck my paws in, and does my best to look cute. I let out a little squeaky meow... then roll around so that my hooman can give me belly rubs. Then, he'll say 'Oh, have you had breakfast/dinner?' I won't say anything - I'll just blink slowly at him. He'll then say 'Poor, hungry Frankie chops', and get a new food pouch out. I'll get up and rub against his legs again, letting out a couple of 'mrrrps'. A full bowl of food will then be in front of me. That's how I gets a second breakfast or dinner. Silly hooman.

I had a happy when my hooman came home after being away for so long. Don't tell him, but I actually missed him a bit. And when he came home, he gave me lots of fuss, lots of belly rubs, loads of Dreamies, and we had a nap together in his napping quarters. But now he's been home for a bit, and stays at home quite a lot during the day, I think he needs to go for another break. He keeps scooping me up off the floor and saying 'cuddle time!'... which I do like for a bit, but then I wants to get down. Sometimes he'll run over to me, when I'm lying down, and shout 'belly nuzzles!'... then stick his head in my belly fur. He doesn't always feed me when I demand it. One urgent meow should be enough to result in a full bowl. He does that 'Mwah' thing on my head too often. He won't always open cupboard doors quickly enough, when I request for him to do so. And last night - and this is a tough one to take... he came home smelling of dog. I was not ha...

My hooman has changed something in his napping quarters, and I is very happy. He has removed the middle section of the big, tall clothes holder. I saw him grab it yesterday and say 'for duck's sake - how many times can it get stuck?'... then he just pulled it out and put it out in the hall. Now there's a big gap, so when having sniffs this morning, in his napping quarters, I jumped into the gap... then behind it. And it makes a good hiding spot. If I crouches down, my hooman can't see me. Also, if I actually get on top of the clothes, they're nice and soft and make an excellent napping spot. My hooman is very thoughful sometimes. I hope he takes the middle section out of more things.

Hoomans are mad. What is 'Mwah'? What does this mean? My hooman keeps coming up to me and making this noise. I'll be minding my own business, doing important cat stuff, and he'll just come up to me, shout 'Gorgeous cat!'... then put his mouth on my head and say 'Mwah!' He'll do this again and again. It's irritating. And what on earth does it mean - both the sound itself and the strange hooman behaviour. He even does it when I is trying to have a wash. Is nothing sacred? I'm going to wait 'til 4am, go up to him, and stick my nose in his face... maybe give him a quick paw-swipe. That'll teach him to stop coming up to me with his weird 'Mwah' noise.

Every professional cat knows this. It's essential to being an effective feline. You can't simply go somewhere and lay down, whether for a nap or just to get attention. You has to flomp. And flomping is an art form... Let's say you is in a room with a shiny floor, or a carpet, and your hooman comes over. You wait for him to get close to you, then... 'flomp!'... you falls on your side - ideally with your belly facing upwards. The same goes for comfy, soft chairs. You wait for your hooman to sit on one, jump up next to him, walk in a circle a few times, then... 'flomp!' You can also do a frontal flomp. This is when you plop down on your front, belly down, head down, with your front feets stretched out in front of you. It is vital that all felines know how to flomp properly.

I has a new napping position. Yes, I has a big, long, soft chair to nap on, plus another soft chair, plus four chairs with cushions on, plus my hooman's bed, plus a little bed for me, plus two boxes... but I finds the floor next to my hooman's bed most comfortable. It's cool and it's a bit dark. I likes it. I has also found that if my hooman lies on his bed, his hands are the optimum distance from me to give me ear and chin scritches... but, best of all, belly rubs! And even better... if I stretches out to my full length, I gets maximum belly rubs. I has a happy. I has lots of purrs. I shall keep returning to this napping spot.

I has had a poorly. I has had a sore eye. I'm not sure what's wrong with it, but my hooman looked at it and said 'Hmmm, it looks a bit red'. So he took me to see the catty doctor. I'm not a huge fan of going to see the catty doctor. First, my hooman has to put me in a big box, which he carries. I finds this confusing, so I meow. I also don't like it when he puts me in the moving thing that goes 'vroom'. The movement makes me feel a bit strange, so I meow in protest. We had to wait for the catty doctor, then he called my name. He took me out of the big box, stroked my head, which was nice...then prodded my tummy a bit... then said something about 'skin abrasion'. Then he put me on a big flat thing and said... 'Well, he's put on quite a bit of weight... you may have to give him less treats'. Rude catty doctor! I is a lean, mean, hunting machine! I was going to hiss at him, but my hooman was giving me some nice ear scritches, to keep me ...

What is it with hoomans and their weirdness? My hooman likes stroking my head, ears, and belly, which is fine... but he seems to have a thing for my little catty nose. Whenever I sits down, or gets into a napping position, he has to come over and touch my nose. Often, he'll say 'boop', as he does this. What on earth does that mean? I'm going to wait until he's napping later, then walk up to his head and paw-bop his nose, followed by a 'mrrrp'. Silly creature.

It's happened. My hooman came back! I thought he was gone forever. A new, female hooman kept coming to visit me, and I'd gotten used to her. She fed me and gave particularly good belly rubs. But she couldn't give me access to the compooter, to write posts. I did meow at her, to let me use it, but it fell on Jeff's ears (a phrase I've heard hoomans use). Then, suddenly, without warning, the key went in the front door lock yesterday, and my hooman opened it! I was supposed to be annoyed with him, but I forgot all of that and ran up to sniff his hand (to check it was definitely him), then meowed at him, then jumped up to headbutt his hand, then stretched out and showed him my fluffy butt. He kept saying 'Hello maaaate!' and 'I've missed you!', in that silly high-pitched voice. I wanted belly rubs, so I flopped over onto my side and rolled around on my back... and received lots of belly rubs. This made me purr. Then my human did something really weir...