Furball Frankie

I has had to have a catty protest. I was having a nap in my hooman's napping quarters, then got up because I had a hungry. Then I needed a nap again. But when I went back into his napping quarters, my hooman was flapping around with stuff. He said 'Sorry, Frankie - I need to change the sheets'. This was a cat-astrophe. I jumped onto the bed and lay down - then rolled over, to look cute. My hooman said 'Frankie, I'm trying to change the sheets'... then he huffed. I don't want the sheets changed: they smells of me and has my fur on them. They should stay as they are. I rolled onto my front and closed my eyes, to fake napping. My hooman said 'Oh Frankie...' but I pretended not to hear him. He said 'Fine, I'll do them later'. He won't though - I'll nap on them forever.

I was dreaming away, before - having a lovely nap. Then my dream turned horrible. I was chasing meeces, having fun. They were darting around, but I managed to keep up with them. Then they shot under a bush, where I couldn't quite see them. I crouched down and went under it too. And when I put my head up, there were three foxes, all licking their lips.   'We are the defenders of meeces', they said. They were wearing funny things on their feets, like the things my hooman wears indoors - I've heard him call them 'slippers'. They advanced towards me. I puffed up my fur and yowled. One of them reached out one of their feets and touched me. I hissed loudly. Then I could really feel something on my fur, so I hissed again. Then I opened my eyes and my hooman said, 'Frankie - what are you doing?' And I realised that I'd hissed at his hand, which was on my belly. I felt really bad, so I nose-nudged him, then licked that hand, to say 'I has a sorry'. Af...

I has decided on complete peace today. I has decided to be catty zen. I has decided to shut the world out, including my hooman. All catty services has stopped today, and will resume again tomorrow. For now, I is snug, cosy, and almost catatonic. Meohhhhhhhhm.        

I likes my food. I has good breakfasts and dinners. But suddenly my hooman is feeding me between food, with what he keeps calling 'treats'. He'll coming running in to where I'm napping, shouting 'Frankiiiiiiiie!' Then he'll say 'Want treats?' Then he'll says 'It's Christmaaaaaaas!' He'll put a packet down that smells of super yums, and says 'Ham' on it. He'll break bits off and give them to me. I'll have sniffs, then munch them in just a few bites. They is very tasty. I has a happy. He keeps coming in and feeding me bits. I hope Christmas continues.      

I has been wandering around today. I was walking through the big, main room - stopping mid-strike to clean my back feets - when I smelt something. It smelt good. I wanted it. I looked for the source of the smell. I jumped up on the big, long, soft chair, and I found it. I had a happy. It was kitty drugs, inside something. I had sniffs and started to feel good. Then my hooman came in and saw me, and said 'Uh, uh, uh - that's your present for tomorrow'. He grabbed the kitty drugs and took them away from me. I had a sad. I wanted to get absolutely off my whiskers on kitty drugs. I'll have to wait now. It'll be fun though.

I had a good wash before - all my feets, my front, my belly, and my back. Then I laid down and had a nap. A little way into my nap, my hooman came over to me and said 'Frankiiiiiiiiie!' He then started to stroke my head and my back, which was very nice...but then I smelt of hooman again.  He left me alone, so I washed the parts that now smelt of hooman, and napped again. Then he came in and stroked my head. After that, I had to lick my front feets and rub them over where he'd stroked. After a while I got bored, so I went into the big, main room to see my hooman. I jumped onto the table and sat next to him. He said 'Hi mate!' then ruffled my chest fur and touched my feets. Idiot! Now I smelt of hooman all over again. I started washing myself once more... I wish he'd let me smell of cat.

I think this time of year is known as the 'festive period'. It's when we cats eat more biscuits than usual, demand more Dreamies, leave our hoomans presents (like scattered litter or half-chewed rodents), and sing Feliz Navi-cat. It's when we celebrate the birth of certain food, like chicken, tuna, and dairy - paying homage to Cheeses Crust. It's also when we get some proper time to unwind from all the stresses of the year: where to nap, when to nap, what to claw, when to zoom from room to room, when to sing the song our people... the list is endless. So I has been sitting and thinking... about all the things I'm going to do with my time off. I really have to consider... - What I'll sniff, how much, and when - What I'll nap on, when, and what my napping schedule looks like for the coming year - Should I be kinder to dogs, or are they just big, smelly, dribble monsters? - How much time I should spend on the window sill - Whether I should be paying more at...

I has decided to have a very slow weekend. I has not really moved anywhere. I is a mammal and it's winter. I has decided I should do as other mammals do - I should hibernate. So, I has spent nearly two days in my hooman's napping quarters, in the same spot - comfy. If I has to stay here all winter, I will. I might even curl into a ball. I is a hodgeheg. Warms and naps - that's what's best for this time of year.          

I naps in many different places. But one of the main things is to be comfy. And one of the main ways to be comfy is to be warm. I has discovered a perfect napping spot for both comfort and warms. In my hooman's napping quarters, he lays down to nap. At one end, he lays his head. His head has the most fur on his body. And it gives out the most warms. He lays his head on two soft, squishy things. So, I jump up to where he is napping, walks above where his head is, and lays on the second squishy thing, just above his head fur. I then gets all the warms. I then has a happy. I then can nap properly.      

There's one thing I is particularly fascinated in when it comes to hoomans. It's weird that they only has fur in specific places. But it's particularly weird that they has no fur on their feets. They must have cold paws all the time. This must by why my hooman has so many feets covers. He has a whole rack of them, in the hall. He has blue ones, and green ones, and brown ones. He has chunky ones, he has smaller ones. All these covers, just for his feets. Wouldn't it be easier to just grow fur on them? He also has special indoor feets covers - he never wears these ones outdoors. They're fluffy. I don't think the plan was properly thought through when hoomans was created.      

I likes to explore. I particularly likes to explore cupboards. I has a favourite cupboard - the one in the hall. My hooman was doing something on the compooter, so I went over to this cupboard. The door was slightly open, so I pulled on it with my paw until it was fully open. I went in and the door closed behind me. I didn't mind though, because my special catty vision allows me to see in the dark. I had sniffs, then I had a look around. I got into some boxes, then I got out of them again. I pawed at some plastic bags. Then I squeeze through a tiny gap, into another box. I just about got in, the gap closed up... and I realised I was in my catty doctor box - the box my hooman puts me in to take me there. I don't like this box. I'm not a fan of the catty doctor. I was stuck. I wasn't happy. I meowed and meowed in protest. Where was my hooman? I kept meowing... then my hooman arrived. He opened the cupboard, opened up the catty doctor box, and said 'What are you doing ...

As a cat, you always has to be on your guard - always has to be vigilant. It could be that a dangerous animal is out the get you, so you has to protect yourself, or it could be that you lives with a silly hooman. When I has a nap, I rests... but I always has to keep one eye open. I never know when my hooman might come over and squeal 'You're so cute, Frankie!' Or if he might try and give me a 'mwah!' on my head. Or if he might boop my nose. Or if he might try to give me belly rubs when I don't want them. Or if he might try to touch my back feets, which I really don't like. So I keeps one eye open to see if he's coming over or not. Unless I has a proper sleepy...then my eyes close and there's nothing I can do about his silliness.

I likes to nap wherever I can, as often as I can. It's very important that I save up my energy by napping, so that I can also nap further. I has some favourite spots: on my hooman's bed, in the box in the hall, on my blankie, in the drawer. But I has rediscovered an old favourite today - my prefurred napping cushion. I jumped onto the big, long, soft chair, in the main room. I wandered over to the cushion. It smelt of me. It was covered in my fur. It's in a good position - near the window, near my hooman, and near my food bowls. I walked onto it, then walked in a circle three times, then flomped down - curling my nose into my body and my tail around my nose. I had a warm. I had a comfy. I has found the one, true napping spot once more.

I is doing what every cat should do on days like today, at this time of year - I is having a cosy. For maximum cosiness, certain positions should be adopted. I has chosen to make a full furry circle. This allows me keep my middle - my fluffy belly - warm, plus all my feets, plus my little catty nose too. I has also chosen to curl up on my hooman's side of the bed, as it smells of him, so is very comforting. I shall stay like this until I has a hungry, but am very happy as I am, for now. My hooman may pet me if he wishes, but I will not be rolling over for belly rubs as I wants to keep the warmth locked in. Cosy. Warm. Happy.