Furball Frankie

I is recovering. I is in shock. My hooman came out of his wee and poo room - stepping out of the indoor rain cupboard. And he didn't have the usual things on his body, which cover him. He has no fur! Well, he has some... but in random patches. The rest of him is furless! How can he live like this? How can any hooman live like this? Doesn't he get cold? I has run out of meows to explain my feelings. So strange...

I came across something earlier - something very strange. My hooman has two compooters. One that he uses for the thing he calls 'werk', and the other one that both of us use. I saw something on his 'werk' compooter... lots of pictures of cats. A couple were of different coloured cats, but four of them were of purely black cats. Why is he doing this? Why is his compooter covered in pictures of other kitties? Is he mocking me? Also, he has plenty of pictures of me on his phone - why the need to look at other kitties? I is not happy. I has a grump-grump. I is now going to kick litter all over the floor. Silly hooman.

Shhhh! Don't tell anyone, but I has a hidey. I'm typing this while in a corner my hooman never goes to. I can hear him looking for me, saying 'Frankiiiiiiiiie! Frankiiiiiiiie!' He's looked in all of my usual spots: On the window sill in the big main room. On the bottom shelf of the book case. Under the table. Behind the bin, in the hooman's food room. In the cupboard in the hall. In the box in the hall. In the cupboard in his napping quarters. Behind the curtain in his napping quarters. Down by the side of his bed. In the basket where he puts his clothes. I is in none of these places. I is in a brand new place... in the corner, down the side of the soft brown chair, on top of the thing that used to hang up over the window. He'll never find me. I'll just appear later on, as if by magic... then he'll have to give me lots of treats and attention.

I'm not sure what's happened, but I has an ouchy. I has a hurty eye. It's very sore and it makes me squint out of my right eye. My hooman has had a look at it and said 'Oh, Frankie - that looks sore'. Then he's given me lots of head strokes, ear scritches, and has stroked my back. I is feeling a bit sorry for myself. I think I needs a trip to the catty doctor. I don't like the idea, as it means going in the plastic box and into the hooman's vroom, which makes me feel a bit sick. But my eye is very hurty, so I has to go. I hope I get lots of treats and fuss as a result.      

If it fits, I sits. This is the mantra known to all cats. It's particularly true of boxes. I has a box in my home that I likes to sit in, but I hasn't sat in it for a while. I went over to this box and there was another box on top of it - much smaller, and blue. Half of my box was still open though... so I did a little catty jump and got in. Nice box. Cosy. Dark. Then I had a bored and wanted to get back out again...but I couldn't - my little catty head was trapped by that stupid, small, blue box. I had a catty panic. I called out to my hooman. Eventually, I heard footsteps. I called out some more. My hooman came over to the box and said 'What are you doing, you idiot? Are you stuck?' I meowed at him urgently. He took the blue box off the top, then lifted me out of the box and put my feets back on the floor. I had a confused. I did a catty head shake, scratched my ear, and walked off.

It has been a frustrating afternoon. I has had so many good ideas on what to write for this post and they all went out of my head... as I was patiently waiting for my hooman to finish with the compooter. I think he was doing that thing called 'working'. He seemed very busy - staring at the screen lots, then stopping to give me ear and head scritches, because I'm so cute. I made sure that I su-purr-vised him properly, and he did everything that he was supposed to do. But...I still had to wait for the compooter. It was a bit frustrating. After a while I rolled onto my backed and pawed at my hooman's hand, to get belly rubs. If I was going to be made to wait, then I wanted to get something out of it. Eventually he finished, sighed, and said 'all done, Frankie'. And now I've typed this, as I couldn't think what else to write. I hope I don't have to wait next time, as I wants to write something important and interesting for all kitties and hoomans out the...

My hooman came home a little while I go, so, as any good cat would do, I went up to him to give him sniffs, to see where he'd been. I had sniffs of his left leg. Hmmmmm... strange smell. I had sniffs of his right leg. And I didn't like it. I could smell leaves - fresh ones... and I could smell... dog! Why did my hooman smell of dog? Had he been near one? Had he petted one? I did not have a happy. I gave my hooman's right leg a quick bite. He said 'What are you doing, Frankie?' I showed him my fluffy bum and walked away. I has to decide whether to forgive him or not.

My hooman came in earlier, carrying a box. I'm not sure what it was, but he said 'Look, Frankie chops - new scales!' Then he went into his wee and poo room and started taking things out of the box. He took out one main thing - it was square - and turned it over, then said 'Ah, batteries...' He put it back on the floor of the wee and poo room, but the box back on top of it, and put some crinkly stuff (which came out of the box) on top of that. When he left the room, I decided this new thing needed to be tested. It was important that it was good enough for sits. So, I stood on it, turned around a few times, then settled down. Hmmm... quite comfy. When my hooman came back into the room, he said 'Frankie! I want to test that out...' Then he sighed, said something about me being 'cute', and left the room again. I'm still having sits on the new thing...

I has a big confused. Today, I was having a nice nap on the window sill, in a sunbeam. Suddenly there was some noise, and my my ears shot up. Then a big man appeared in front of the window. Then it got really weird...he made it rain all over the window, which made a rumbling sound. I had a scared, so I jumped down off the window sill, ran to the end of the big room, and laid my ears flat against my head. The big raining man stayed there for a while. I didn't understand... so I went and hid in a box in the hallway.

I spotted my hooman doing something very strange - something I've not seen him do before. I think maybe the hot weather is getting to him. He had something in his hand, and he seemed to be cleaning it - washing it lots with his tongue, just like I does. He washed and he washed and he washed. I didn't know what it was. It was white and it looked squishy. Then he said 'You want some, Frankie?' There was a little bit of this white squishy stuff still left, on some kind of stick. He brought it down to my face. I was curious to know what it was, so I sniffed it...but my catty nose got too close and some went on it. It was cold. Weird. I stuck my tongue out to see what my hooman was washing. Eugh! It tasted strange. I didn't like it. I meowed and backed away. Then my hooman carried on washing the stuff until there was none left. Very odd behaviour... even for a hooman.

I considers myself a cultured kitty - a cat of the world. I likes to take in lots of things. My favourite musician is Cat Stevens. I also like some of Catatonia's old stuff. In terms of art, I'm a big fan of the Chat Noir poster. And I find Mattise's 'Girl With a Black Cat' quite charming. As for film, I never tire of watching The Aristocats or A Street Cat Named Bob. Classics. And, of course, I love the stage musical, Cats. But I feel my hooman is starving me of culture somewhat. His choice of coffee table literature is a bit limited. No Varjak Paw, Cat in a Hat, or Mog books. This is no good. I has raised the issue with him. I'll see how he responds. In the meantime, my food bowl could do with a rinse.

I think I has found the perfect spot for getting maximum affection from my hooman. If I goes to his napping quarters and lies on the big bed, exactly where he naps, then I can guarantee he'll come into the room and give me fuss at least every hour. He'll come in, say 'Hiya Frankie', then come and lay down next to me. Sometimes he'll lay his head on me. I quite like this, as it's made of warms. Then he'll give me head strokes and ear scritches, and some belly rubs too. If I feels it's to my advantage to be super cute, I'll show off my belly more and tuck in my front feets. This normally results in high-pitched noises from my human and even more belly rubs. Sometimes he shouts 'belly nuzzles!' and sticks his face in my belly fur. I often bunny-kick him in the head if he does this. I shall continue to use this as my chief napping spot. It's very useful for getting what I wants.

I was having a nice nap and snuggle next to my hooman today. He was giving me lots of pets; ear scritches, chin scritches, belly rubs, head strokes. I had a happy... so I started drifting off. I feel into a deeeeeeep sleep. I was in a field full of meeces, all running and jumping about among long tall grass. I chased a few of them, then found myself by a tree, where there was some familiar green stuff scattered on the ground. It was a huge pile of catnip. I sniffed it, then flomped down and rolled in it, and went a bit silly. Then the sun came out and there was a big, long beam of sunshine on me, which gave me warms. Then, suddenly... something was bringing me back from my dream. In the confusion, I let out a big hiss, then bit the thing in front of me... then opened my eyes and realised it was my hooman's hand. I was very sorry. I had a sad when I realised what I'd done...so I started licking his hand. Then I rubbed my head against it. I think he forgave me, as he said 'da...

I has been reading - pages and pages. I has been reading all about a place called Costa Rica. I think it's a long long way from where I live with my hooman. It mentions 'rainforests'. I think these are like the forest my hooman tried to grow in our home (although both plants are looking a bit brown now), only much much bigger. In these rainforests, there is lots of strange creatures. It talks about monkeys, but I think they're too big to chase and catch... and I think they're a bit bitey. But it also talks about lizards and frogs. I has seen a frog before, and I has seen a picture of a lizard. I could definitely chase these creatures. And in Costa Rica, there are gazillions of them. I got so excited that I read until my little catty brain was fried! Then I realised I'd been concentrating so hard that I needed a nap. When I wake up, I will read more about these lizards and frogs... after a wash, of course.

Today has been hard. I don't think my hooman appreciates how much effort goes into being a cat. After much hunting, I found an appropriate sunbeam to lay in. I has had to work hard to stay there. I has had several washes - particularly my feets. I has had to take naps in between naps. I had had to readjust my position several times. I has woken from many strange dreams - confuzzled. I has had to show off my belly a number of times, when my hooman has approach, to ensure maximum belly rubs. I has had to endure him saying 'Mwah' on the top of my head, more times than I can count on my claws. It's been non-stop. I hope I gets a chance to rest at some point.

I doesn't need the long, soft chair in the main room. I doesn't need the brown soft chair next to it. I doesn't need the seats with cushions on. I doesn't need my hooman's napping quarters. I has my own, new napping spot... and it's lovely. I has sniffed it, pawed at it, sat on it, and walked around on it a few times. It's perfect. It's shiny and it makes a lovely crinkly noise when I settles down on it. I shall nap on here lots.