Furball Frankie

I has had to have a catty protest. I was having a nap in my hooman's napping quarters, then got up because I had a hungry. Then I needed a nap again. But when I went back into his napping quarters, my hooman was flapping around with stuff. He said 'Sorry, Frankie - I need to change the sheets'. This was a cat-astrophe. I jumped onto the bed and lay down - then rolled over, to look cute. My hooman said 'Frankie, I'm trying to change the sheets'... then he huffed. I don't want the sheets changed: they smells of me and has my fur on them. They should stay as they are. I rolled onto my front and closed my eyes, to fake napping. My hooman said 'Oh Frankie...' but I pretended not to hear him. He said 'Fine, I'll do them later'. He won't though - I'll nap on them forever.

I was dreaming away, before - having a lovely nap. Then my dream turned horrible. I was chasing meeces, having fun. They were darting around, but I managed to keep up with them. Then they shot under a bush, where I couldn't quite see them. I crouched down and went under it too. And when I put my head up, there were three foxes, all licking their lips.   'We are the defenders of meeces', they said. They were wearing funny things on their feets, like the things my hooman wears indoors - I've heard him call them 'slippers'. They advanced towards me. I puffed up my fur and yowled. One of them reached out one of their feets and touched me. I hissed loudly. Then I could really feel something on my fur, so I hissed again. Then I opened my eyes and my hooman said, 'Frankie - what are you doing?' And I realised that I'd hissed at his hand, which was on my belly. I felt really bad, so I nose-nudged him, then licked that hand, to say 'I has a sorry'. Af...

I has decided on complete peace today. I has decided to be catty zen. I has decided to shut the world out, including my hooman. All catty services has stopped today, and will resume again tomorrow. For now, I is snug, cosy, and almost catatonic. Meohhhhhhhhm.        

I likes my food. I has good breakfasts and dinners. But suddenly my hooman is feeding me between food, with what he keeps calling 'treats'. He'll coming running in to where I'm napping, shouting 'Frankiiiiiiiie!' Then he'll say 'Want treats?' Then he'll says 'It's Christmaaaaaaas!' He'll put a packet down that smells of super yums, and says 'Ham' on it. He'll break bits off and give them to me. I'll have sniffs, then munch them in just a few bites. They is very tasty. I has a happy. He keeps coming in and feeding me bits. I hope Christmas continues.      

I has been wandering around today. I was walking through the big, main room - stopping mid-strike to clean my back feets - when I smelt something. It smelt good. I wanted it. I looked for the source of the smell. I jumped up on the big, long, soft chair, and I found it. I had a happy. It was kitty drugs, inside something. I had sniffs and started to feel good. Then my hooman came in and saw me, and said 'Uh, uh, uh - that's your present for tomorrow'. He grabbed the kitty drugs and took them away from me. I had a sad. I wanted to get absolutely off my whiskers on kitty drugs. I'll have to wait now. It'll be fun though.

I had a good wash before - all my feets, my front, my belly, and my back. Then I laid down and had a nap. A little way into my nap, my hooman came over to me and said 'Frankiiiiiiiiie!' He then started to stroke my head and my back, which was very nice...but then I smelt of hooman again.  He left me alone, so I washed the parts that now smelt of hooman, and napped again. Then he came in and stroked my head. After that, I had to lick my front feets and rub them over where he'd stroked. After a while I got bored, so I went into the big, main room to see my hooman. I jumped onto the table and sat next to him. He said 'Hi mate!' then ruffled my chest fur and touched my feets. Idiot! Now I smelt of hooman all over again. I started washing myself once more... I wish he'd let me smell of cat.

I think this time of year is known as the 'festive period'. It's when we cats eat more biscuits than usual, demand more Dreamies, leave our hoomans presents (like scattered litter or half-chewed rodents), and sing Feliz Navi-cat. It's when we celebrate the birth of certain food, like chicken, tuna, and dairy - paying homage to Cheeses Crust. It's also when we get some proper time to unwind from all the stresses of the year: where to nap, when to nap, what to claw, when to zoom from room to room, when to sing the song our people... the list is endless. So I has been sitting and thinking... about all the things I'm going to do with my time off. I really have to consider... - What I'll sniff, how much, and when - What I'll nap on, when, and what my napping schedule looks like for the coming year - Should I be kinder to dogs, or are they just big, smelly, dribble monsters? - How much time I should spend on the window sill - Whether I should be paying more at...