Furball Frankie

I has had a very serious chat with my hooman today. I came into the big, main room and blinked at him. He blinked back at me. I blinked at him. He blinked at me. I blinked at him. He blinked at me. I blinked at him. He blinked at me. I blinked at him. He blinked at me. I blinked at him. He blinked at me.  It was a very deep and meaningful conversation. I actually agreed with him, in some ways. I hope we can have many more chats like this.

My hooman does many odd things that I don't understand. One of these things is that once a week, he loudly says 'cleaning time!', then gets out the big whirring thing. I really don't like the big whirring thing. My human touches a switch and off it goes - making loud noises. They hurt my little catty ears. Then he starts running the big whirring thing backwards and forwards across the floor. I have to run out of the room he's in. But he doesn't stop. He goes into all of the rooms with it. So when he comes into the main napping room, where I've run to to get away from the big whirring thing, I have to run out of there and back into the big, main room. It's so annoying. I wish he wouldn't do it. To show my annoyance, when he's finished with the big whirring thing I go to my wee tray and throw as much of it on the floor as possible. Then I meow and run off.

It's not easy being a cat. Aside from fitting in at least 16 hours of naps each day, I has many important cat jobs I must do. I has to wash my human, so he doesn't smell. I has to play with my hooman, so he doesn't get bored. I has to show him my fluffy belly, and purr when he rubs it, to keep him happy. I has to keep him warm, by sitting on him. I has to check that any boxes in my home are up to standard. I has to help him when he's changing the bedding in the napping room. I could keep going. It honestly feels like my list of jobs is never-ending. It's exhausting. But one of my main jobs, which is very important, is to be chief cupboard inspector. I has to make sure all cupboards are up to my standards, that they're clean, and that they contain at least one tin of toona. My hooman only partly passed the last cupboard inspections. One cupboard had dust in. The other had no toona. I has raised my concerns with my hooman by meowing loudly, and scratching the big,...

My hooman does something really really weird. I go to my poo and wee tray, and do a big poo. Then I cover it in as many little stones as possible, being sure to scatter some throughout the room too. Then I see my hooman go over to the tray and do something. The next time I go there, my poo is gone. My hooman has taken it. What is he doing with all my poos? Where is he putting them? Is he storing them up? If so, what for? Sometimes I has a big confused about hooman behaviour. I'm sure my hooman isn't normal. Odd creature.

My hooman tricked me. He came up to me when I just waking from a nap, patted my head, stroked my neck... then quickly put something round it, before I had time to run off. It made a 'click' noise. I didn't know what it was, but I didn't want it on me, so I walked backwards to try and get it off. I jumped down from where I'd been napping, and there was this silly jingling noise every time I moved. I ran to another room and the jingling noise followed me. Annoying. I tried doing catty headshakes, which made the thing jingle more, and I tried walking backwards... and I tried rubbing against things, but I couldn't get it off my neck. I'm not happy. I might scratch the big, long chair, to annoy the hooman. Idiot.

Sometimes it's hard work keeping clean, as a cat. I has to wash and wash and wash... particularly after my hooman has petted me and covered me in hooman smells. Some bits are easier to wash than others. I can easily reach my front feets and my front bib. To get to my side and my belly, I has to lay down. To get to my head and ears, I has to lick one of my front feets and rub it over them. But the hardest bits to reach are my back feets. I don't think hoomans understand how much effort goes into keeping these clean. To reach my back feets, I has to get into special positions... and perform catrobatics. I has to balance very carefully and stretch out. This is why I don't like my back feets touched. I work too hard on them to have them smelling of hooman. I think it's a skill that we all learn as kittens - catrobatics. I hasn't seen my hooman do this to clean his feets - maybe that's why they always smell when I sniff them...

I has noticed something with my hooman - he doesn't have fur. In fact, I has noticed this with all hoomans. How do they keep warm? How can they look cute? I has decided to help my hooman. I has noticed he sometimes leaves the things he puts on his furless body in the napping room. I has decided that it is my duty, as chief cat of our home, to cover all of these things with as much fur as possible. To do this, I nap on them, roll on them, and stretch out on them. This way, I make sure my hooman has as much fur on him as possible and can stay warm... but having seen his face, I'm not sure if fur will allow him to look cute. I has tried my best.