Furball Frankie

To the front door. To the hooman's napping quarters. Up onto the bed. Down again. To the hooman's food room. Up onto the counters. Down again. A sprint to the window sill in the big room. Attack the curtains. Turn and stare at my hooman. Yowl. Run to my wee tray. Dig lots of it up. Jump out. Yowl again. Run to the hooman's wee room. Run back to the window sill. Furiously lick my side. Run back to the hooman's food room. Run into the big, main room. Jump onto the big, long, comfy chair. Scratch face. Nap.      

I has come to believe that I is very talented. I has come to believe that I is an artist. My claws are my paintbrushes. Hooman furniture is my canvas. I has to suffer for my art. Very often, when I'm mid-scratch, my hooman will loudly shout 'No, Frankie!' at me... but I persist, as I must finish my work. It takes time, and many individual sessions, to create my artwork, but I manage it - working tirelessly. And when I is done, after one particularly hard session, I has a nap, to rest my artistic brain. I'm proud of my work. I hope to have it displayed one day. Below is a picture of me posing with my latest piece, along with how I imagine I look to fans of my art.

I wish my hooman wouldn't do this. Sometimes I meow at him... and he tries to meow back... and it's terrible. His hooman accent is awful. It's 'meow'. What on earth is 'Myowww'. It doesn't even make sense. The tone is off too...his pitch is far too low. And don't get even get me started on the basic grammatical errors. 'Myowww, myowww, myowww' is a catty compound infintive. Every cat knows that. It makes no sense in the context in which my hooman is trying to use it. Honestly - I wish you hooman's would just stick to hooman language. It would make life a lot easier.

I has been walking around my home a lot today. Suddenly, I made a discovery. It was a box I hadn't seen before. I sniffed it. I jumped into it. I had a comfy. Many thoughts went though my mind. I likes to think inside the box. I don't like thinking outside the box. I had thoughts like: Why do squirrels run up trees? Why do hoomans walk on two legs? Why are compooters made of warms? Where do birds go at night? Why don't hoomans ever seem to wash themselves? These were very deep moments for me. I stayed in the box for quite some time. I think I'll revisit it tomorrow.

I had big plans for today. First I was going to sniff all of the furniture. Then I was going to scratch the corner of the hooman's bed for a bit. Then I was going to run from room to room. After that, I was going to wash my feets. Then I was going to sit in the box in the hall for a while. Next I was going to meow outside a cupboard until my hooman opened it for me. This was to be followed by some squirrel watching, out of the window. Then I was going to meow for some time. But, I got onto the cushions on the big, long, comfy chair, put my head between my front feets, and had a nap. I woke up, but felt that a second nap was required. And now I hasn't managed to do any of the things I had planned. I'll have to try again tomorrow...

Like many kitties out there, I has lots of skills - one of them being that I has mastered the art of being cute. Hoomans are very easily pulled in by this, so it's not hard to do. All that's needed is to have a nap in a comfy spot, wait for your hooman to come over, be aware of their presence, let out a 'mrrrrp', then roll onto your back with your paws tucked in. This should result in multiple belly rubs and chin scritches. But, for absolute maxium cuteness, take your front paws and put them over your face. This makes hoomans fall to pieces, become emotional wrecks, and not know what do with themselves. It may result in unwanted kisses being planted on your fur. It will almost certainly result in getting extra treats later on. For the full effect, make sure both front paws are pulled over the eyes, or at least the nose and mouth.

Sometimes, if things get too much for me, I does a catty headshake. If I has a confused, I does a catty headshake. If I has an itch in my ear, I does a catty headshake. If my hooman smooshes my face, or strokes my head too much, I does a catty headshake. If I wake from a nap and I'm not quite sure what's going on, I does a catty headshake. If I smell something funny, or too strong, I does a catty headshake. If a catty-choo catches me off guard, I does a catty headshake. There are many other reasons to do a catty headshake, such as falling off a window sill, but I've listed the main ones. I wish my hooman wouldn't smoosh my face - it's annoying.

Sometimes I don't think my hooman is very bright. Sometimes we has very frustrating conversations. Take the one we just had, for example: Me: 'Fooooooood!' Hooman: 'What is it, Frankie?' Me: 'Fooooooood!' Hooman: 'Oh I know!' Me: 'Foooooooooooooooooooood!' Hooman: 'Yes, yes, but why?' Me: 'Fooooooooooooooooooooooooooood!' Hooman: 'What is it, little one?' Me: 'Fooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood!' Hooman: 'Are you hungry?' Me: 'Fooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood!' Hooman: 'Do you want food?' Me: 'Fooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood!' Eventually, he fed me. But, honestly - how many times does a cat have to ask?        

My hooman is up to something. He's much more eager to feed me my breakfast and dinner than usual, and seems to be watching over me, making sure I eat it. Hmmm... why? My catty senses are tingling. He did say something about 'anteebyotiks'... but I'm not sure what that means. I do know that my food tastes a bit funny suddenly though. I is still hungry, so I eats it, but it's got a slightly bitter taste... and I'm sure I spotted something pink in it. Then, when I've finished, my hooman makes a big fuss of me, strokes my head, gives me ear scritches, tickles my belly, and calls me a 'good boy'. I has a suspicious. What is hooman up to?      

I has perfected my technique. I has worked out how to flomp in the middle of the floor and receive maximum belly rubs. It's very simple, and all cats should know this. You lure your hooman over with a miaow, a 'mrrrp', or just general cuteness. Then, as they get close you crouch down a bit, as if going into 'the loaf' pose. Then 'flomp', you flop onto one side, on the floor...ideally right in the middle of the floor. Then you tuck your paws in and roll from side to side, giving full access to your fluffy belly. Your hooman should then react appropriately by telling you how cute you are, and giving you lots and lots of belly rubs... and maybe some chin scritches too. For maximum cuteness, you should stretch your paws out and flex your claws. Your hooman should then stay there, giving belly rubs, until you decide to get back up again - could be five minutes, could be an hour.

I has been helping my hooman further - beyond making sure his clothes have the appropriate layer of fur on them. I is such a useful kitty. I has been overseeing his activities in his food room. His food doesn't seem to come out of special packets, like mine, so I need to know that he's getting a proper diet. I jumped up onto the food room side bit and watched over him. I watched him cut up something slimy... not sure what it was, but I approved of that stage of preparation. Then I watched him cut up some green things. Again, I approved. I gave my hooman a blink to let him know that was the case. Then he cut some browny-grey things up. Again, a slow blink from me. After that, he started throwing things into a large container and they made 'Hsssssss' noise. This isn't my favourite sound, so I backed away a bit. When everything was in the large container, he poured a strange yellow-ish liquid on top of it. He stirred it all around, then put it on a large circular thin...

I likes to be a helpful kitty whenever possible, so I helped my hooman this morning. He has a drawer in which he keeps his clothes. They're very plain, and they lack fur... so I decided to provide assistance. I hopped into the draw, walked in a circle three times, then settled down on the clothes for a nap. I felt it was essential that they had a layer of fur on them... especially as, having seen my hooman without any clothes, I know that he has no fur of his own. I rolled about in the drawer, showed off my belly, and got some belly rubs. Then my hooman said 'Frankie, how am I supposed to get dressed?' I didn't really understand...or care...so I tucked my paws into my chest, to look cute, and gave a 'mrrrrrp'. I'm glad I can be so helpful to my hooman.

My hooman came in earlier, and headed over to where I was napping, to give me chin and ear scritches... which was nice. But then I sniffed him... and I smelt something suspicious. I could smell another cat on him. Had he been cheating on me? I had further sniffs...and drew together a scent profile. I could tell the cat he had been petting. It looked like this:   I did not have a happy. Bad hooman. I should be the only one he shows affection to. I pawed his hand away from me. I am now going to set a catty alarm clock, in my mind, and sing the song of my people at 3am, in my hooman's napping quarters.