Furball Frankie

My hooman, as I think I've mentioned, is very weird. He has lots of cupboards in my home in which he keeps all sorts of stuff... including the horrible case he takes me to the catty doctor's in. I likes to look in these cupboards, to see what new things are in them, so I stood by the one in hall and meowed and meowed until he opened it. Interesting. I jumped in to have a look around. I sniffed some bags and put my head in them. I jumped on top of a box... then I jumped back down again. Then I found some crinkly stuff on the floor. The more I pawed it, the more it crinkled. I liked the way it felt on my feets. It looked like it would be nice to nap in. I started pawing it together, to make a little catty nest. I meowed at my hooman, who looked confuzzled, to tell him to stop standing there and help me make this nest. It was no use. He didn't listen. He just scratched his head. Useless hooman. I kept pawing it and managed to get it into a squishy, crinkly pile. Then I sat on ...

I likes this time of year. I doesn't have to get warms from just sitting on my hooman, and the things on the wall don't produce warms now. But warms come down from the sky. Warms come in the form of sun puddles. One has to use catty strategy, or 'categy' to get the right sun puddles at the right time, as they move around all day... which is a bit annoying. This morning, I found one by the window in the big, main room. I had a happy. I sat in it, closed my eyes, and purred. Catty bliss. My hooman came over and I gave him a friendly 'mrrrrp'. Later in the day, the sun puddle moved and I had the difficult task of moving to another window sill, in the hooman's food room. I sat there, bathing in the sun puddle... then I had sleeps.      

I has an annoyed. I has a very tight schedule to keep. I has naps planned, and times when I must attack the sofa, some zoomies to fit in... it's hard getting everything done on time. So, it's very important that dinner is served promptly - exactly when I need it. I had to meow a long time at my hooman for dinner to be served this evening. By my catty calculations, it was over three minutes late. This is unacceptable. It completely throws my plans out. I cannot live under such conditions. I has decided that should such a situation arise again, I shall let my hooman know of my displeasure by presenting him with my fluffy butt at 3am. Dinner, for all cats, should be served on time.

Sometimes I likes to go somewhere I've been before, as it's comforting. Today, I wandered into my hooman's napping room and headed to the cupboard in the far corner. I likes this cupboard. It seems different every time I go in it. The door was closed, so I meowed to my hooman to come and open it immediately. He wasn't being quick enough, so I started pawing at the door urgently. Eventually he showed up, so I gave him my loudest 'where has you been?' meow. My hooman opened it and I walked in and gave everything a good sniff. Then I found a box to jump in. It was a good box. My hooman was still there, holding the door, so I meowed urgently at him again, to close the door. I wanted to be left alone in the nice, comfy box. He said 'Okay, you weirdo', then shut the door. I likes the dark, so I sat there for a bit, blinking. Then I didn't want to be in the dark any more, so I meowed for my hooman again. He was taking too long once more, so I pawed frantica...

My little catty bowels are fairly regular. I'm quite happy with them. But sometimes I skips my morning poo tray visit and it catches up with me later in the day. This happened today... and it seemed like the timing was unfortunate for my hooman. He was looking at his compooter screen, talking to other hoomans, when I felt the urge... I quickly walked to the poo tray - there was no time to waste. I did try to warn my hooman, with a long meow, but he said 'In a minute, Frankie - I'm in a meeting'. So I had no choice. I hopped into the tray, sat for a bit, and 'plop, plop, plop'... I heard my hooman say 'Oh no, Frankie - not now!' Then I jumped out of the tray, making sure I scattered bits everywhere. My hooman said to the other hoomans, on screen, 'Sorry, I'll be back in a minute'... then he said 'That, bloody stinks, Frankie! Couldn't you do it when I'm not in a meeting?' I blinked at him, then washed my side. My hooman did wha...

I liketh having treatth, and my hooman gave me thome before. The only problem ith, particularly with Dreamieth... they get thtuck in your teefth. Then you find yourthelf having to lick your teefth to get all of the thtuck bitth out. It can take ageth, with lotth and lotth of licking. Itth a bit of a pain, to be honetht. But it'th worth it, ath I really like treatth... ethpecially when they're thprinkled on top of my dry bithcuitth. Nearly got all the bitth now...

My hooman had been neglecting his duties this morning, so I let him know. I'd had my breakfast, but needed snacks - I needed my crunchy biscuits. I went over to my bowls, and... there was a gap in my biscuits. I could see the bottom of the bowl. This was not on. It's not the standard that I'm used to... it's not the standard that any cat is used to. I went to find my hooman, and meowed my annoyance at him. He said 'What? What is it, Frankie?' So I led him into the big main room, where my food bowls are, by walking quickly and meowing loudly. Then I sat down and meowed some more. My hooman eventually got the message, saw my bowls, and said 'Want more biscuits?' He filled my bowl to the top. That's how it should be... always. I crunched some biscuits, then washed my tail.

Variety is the spice of a good catty life. It's good to mix things up. Especially important things, like napping spots. I has found a new one. It's in my hooman's food room. He has taken the soft things from his napping room, and, strangely, put them into a box in the food room. I'm not sure why he's done this. Hoomans are weird. Anyway, I has discovered the soft things in a box and found that they are very comfy to curl up on and have naps. I has made this my new napping spot. My hooman came over and said 'What are you doing? I need to put those in the wash'... so I rolled over and showed my belly, to look cute. He then said 'Silly cat', and gave me belly rubs and chin scritches. I likes my new napping spot. I has a happy.

Every cat knows about this. If you has an accident, or does something silly, you has to make it look like you meant to do that thing, or that it doesn't bother you in the slightest. As a cat, you has standards to uphold - dignity to maintain. Every cat has to know how to 'style it out'. Today, I was having a nap on a window sill, in the big, main room. I think I was dreaming about chasing squirrels, and opening giant bags of catnip. I wasn't aware of anything, then, suddenly... flump! I found myself on the floor. I saw my hooman had seen this, so I immediately got up and started urgently washing my back feets, so that it was clear that I hadn't, in fact, fallen - I completely meant to do what I did. In washing my back feets, I maintained my catty dignity. I then waited 'til my hooman wasn't looking and jumped back onto the window sill.

I has been having some catty contemplation. I always does this on a Sunday. I always thinks of the week ahead. It's going to be a tough one. I'll probably have the zoomies around 4am. Then I'll have a nap. Then I'll get up, with my hooman, eat some chicken in jelly, wash myself...and have a post-nap nap. Then I has to be on squirrel watching duty. After that, I'll need to crunch some biscuits. Then I'll attack some furniture. Another nap. A big wee. A liberal scattering of litter. Staring at walls 'til my hooman says 'what are you looking at, Frankie?' Walking around chatting. Another nap. And, most of the rest of the week is looking just as hectic. I is exhausted just thinking about it. I hope my hooman realises just how tough life can be, as a cat.

I has done it! I has finally defeated it! I has finally beaten my enemy - the swishy window thing. It was always getting in my way when I jumped onto the window sill. And it was always getting in my way when I tried to look out of the window, to chatter at the squirrels and birds. I tried many times to bat it, paw at it, and even claw it, but it would not give up... until today. Finally, I paw swiped it and it fell down. It gave me a bit of a fright, and I jumped off the window sill, letting out a yowl... but finally... finally... I had defeated the swishy thing. I saw my hooman try to put it back up again, but it kept falling back down. He said 'For dog's sake, Frankie'... or something like that. Anyway, there's no point putting it back up, as I will defeat it again. I has a win.

It's Friday night! My hooman is home! It's nearly Caturday! I can feel the mischiefs coming on. What shall I get up to? Shall I have mega-zoomies? Shall I get up on all the surfaces, get my feets in something, and leave prints everywhere? Shall I climb the big climbing frame my hooman sometimes puts clothes on? Shall I scatter litter everywhere? Shall I tear chunks out of the long, soft, comfy chair? The possibilities are endless. So many naughty things to do... So many opportunities to make my hooman shout 'Frankie!'... then tell me what a silly boy I am, and give me strokes.  

Sometimes I like to relax in a specific position. It's when I don't want belly rubs. It's when I don't want my feets touched. But it's when I want my back and head free for rubs, and when I want my ears and chin available for scritches. For this, the best position to sit in is the cat loaf. Hoomans seem to find this cute, so it attracts maximum attention and maximum fuss, while only having the bits stroked that I want to be stroked. I likes to sit in this position at the end of the big, long, comfy chair, where my hooman can just about reach me. Sometimes he reaches out and strokes me when I'm not paying attention, so I let out a surprised 'mrrrrrp'. But most of the the time I see his hand coming. If I'm happy, I'll give him some slow blinks - depends how I'm feeling. I highly recommend the cat loaf postion though.    

One of my favourite catty activities is staring. Just staring. At nothing in particular. It's really enjoyable. I can stare at nothing, or sometimes just a speck of dust in the air, for ages. I think this confuses my hooman. He often comes over and says 'what you looking at, Frankie?'... then stares in the same direction as me, trying to figure out what I'm looking at. Sometimes I stare out of the window. Sometimes I stare at a wall. Sometimes I stare at a particular spot on the floor. Staring is good. It focuses the mind. Everyone should stare more - both cats and hoomans.

I has got used to my home. It smells of me, and I get regular chin scritches from my hooman. But he made a strange decision. He decided to let me outside again. I had a confused at first, and my tail went 'floof!'...then I started wandering off. My hooman was behind me, saying 'it's okay, Frankie'. I wanted to lose him and go off and do catty things, so I hid under a bush for a bit... but he was still there, crouching down, saying 'hiya, Frankie!' Then I went across and into another hooman front garden bit. I hid under a car... but my hooman was still there. I went to another hooman's front garden bit, then through a gate and down a path. My hooman came over and said 'come on Frankie - don't go too far'... then he tried to pick me up, so I hissed at him. I wanted my adventure to continue. I came back down the path, through the gate, then headed towards some prickly bushes. Before I went into them, my hooman tried to pick me up again, saying ...