Furball Frankie

Hoomans - if your kitty sits somewhere and stares at you, you needs to pay attention. If I sits next to something, it means I want something. It means my needs have not been met. It's a little kitty protest. This is particularly the case if I sits by my food bowls. It means all is not well. It means 'Do the right thing, hooman'. I'm not sitting there for my health. That bowl won't fill itself. I'm waiting, hooman...

I is clever. I knows how to do little things to get my way. One of these things is strategic sits. I simply find the thing that is grabbing my hooman's attention and park my fluffy butt on it. Or...I find the thing I know he's about to reach for and park my fluffy butt on that. This morning, after my breakfast, my hooman was eating his own breakfast. I know that after this he grabs his compooter and does 'the werk'. I didn't want him to do the werk, so I positioned myself on top of the compooter. I made sure I looked extra cute...and extra fluffy. He tried to grab it, so I nose-nudged him. He said 'I need that, Frankie'. I blinked slowly at him. In the end I accepted a bribe of five ear scritches and four chin rubs. Then I released the compooter.

Hooman needs to understand. As a cat, I'm a solitary creature. I need alone time. I need privacy. Sometimes I just want to sit on the bed and stare at my feets. This is not the time for lots of kisses on my head. It's not the time for face smooshes. It's not the time to blow raspberries on my fur. It's not the time for nose boops. It's not the time to ask how I became so cute and fluffy and little. It's not the time to let me know that I'm an adorable floof. Hooman can be annoying.

Hooman has not been quite right in the last couple of days. Hooman has been poorly. He's spent lots of time in his napping quarters. He's got up to feed me, but he's not done much else. I has decided that he needs me. I has decided to sit and lie on him - and to nap in solidarity with him. I has warms. I can share warms. Sometimes I sniffs him to check he's okay. He smells a bit funny, but that's usual. I hope I comfort him as much as belly rubs comfort me.

Hooman has to understand - if I needs something, I need it exactly when I ask for it. If I meow with urgency, this means I need food, or attention, or fuss, or the temperature in the room doesn't suit me, or the bed isn't fluffy enough, or my biscuits are too crunchy, or a chair has moved and I don't like its position, or the general atmosphere isn't to my liking. It is down to my hooman to work out what's wrong - what my needs are. I shouldn't have to tell him twice. Asking me 'Why are you yelling?' is no good. It doesn't solve the problem. Hooman should instinctively know what I need. It's his job.

My hooman should know something. In fact, all hoomans should know it. If you pass something in front of me - and most cats - it will be sniffed. It's my job to check it out. If my hooman comes up to me, he will be sniffed too. It doesn't matter if it's the first or the twentieth time he's come up to me that day - sniffs will take place. And it doesn't matter if he only came up to me two minutes ago, and got sniffed then - there will be more sniffs. He could've been anywhere. He could've been near ham...or another cat...or an interesting-smelling hooman. Sniffs are absolutely essential. And please don't nose boop us, mid-sniff - very annoying.